Some older poems I wrote in October

10/10/13

Lonely

Lonely is often overlooked

It creeps in on solitude and crowds

Lonely doesn’t mean alone

This is for the girl who doesn’t feel like she’s enough and who never has

For the boy who was never told he means something

For the young adults, the 20 some things, who can’t figure out what’s next

What is next?

Running through life always moving

Rushing

From one event to another….

Meaning—we’re all looking for meaning and

We’re always waiting

Waiting for the next step, the next occasion

Lonely comes at the most inconvenient times

Lonely comes at all the times

It comes to the man sitting at the end of the bar, soggy coaster

Gin that drips with tears in all directions

For the one who’s misguided anger comes out all wrong

For the moms with their heads on the steering wheel, red light after red light

Adolescents, who know who they are but can’t tell

For those who will be hung over their identities

Just for who they are

And we’re all tired…

Tired of running, tired of wishing without return

This is for everyone because everyone has felt the emptiness

Everyone has been too tired to think, too tired to keep chasing meaning

What is meaning—

Is meaning the feeling you get when you watch your son’s first dance recital

Or you finally get that call from your father after 10 years

Or is waking up enough

Maybe meaning is found within ourselves… like we always thought

Or maybe, just maybe it’s in the eyes of someone who loves us

Who sees us for who we are without the murky waters of pressure

Of the expectations we put on ourselves

As unrealistic as they may be

The cloudiness of I am not enough…

Because you are enough

And when you realize that you are…

No one will be able to stop you

And lonely won’t come so often anymore

Lonely will be your distant friend

Oceans apart

Lonely

10/10/13

Insecurities—A Love Story

I saw her from across the room and I knew

I knew that all of the unstable parts of me would spill out

I did such a good job of keeping them under lock and key

Hidden behind a mysterious façade

Quiet, reserved, sullen

The day she walked into my life

Everything spilled out of my veins

My emotions, I couldn’t restrain

These emotions—crippling

I needed her to know all of me

Every last scar, the places where people disappointed me

Because that’s who I am—who we are

With all these scars smeared across my body

From these emotions

Spilled out like water from an open dam

Came all my insecurities

I am not good enough

She’s too good for me

I am not worthy of such beauty

How could she like…wait love, me

Can’t she see my bruises, the fresh one

My scars, the old buried pain

She pulled me in and from the first kiss

From that moment, I knew

I knew that she was a gift—she was the embodiment of grace

From my ashes came new life

Rebirth, innovation…

Like this was meant to save me

Like she was sent to resurrect my spirit

To make me what I was meant to be

Not to save me from the things outside

But to show me the beauty that lies within

To show me how to stop existing

And start living

10/10/13

SHE

She was a foreign language

The first time I saw her I knew any words I’d speak wouldn’t make sense

I knew that I couldn’t talk to her

Three weeks later, “Hey”

But it’s like I couldn’t understand what she said…

I said, “Uh”

She wasn’t a romance language

She was intense and quiet

She was a firework in the summer

She was a snow-covered field

I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything

I told her

“I caught feelings”

Like running to catch the ball to win the game, but missing

Because she told me she didn’t feel the same

Then one night

Her lips pressed against mine told me—

“I’m your snow-covered field

You can have every acre”

I couldn’t breathe…

I still didn’t know the words I needed to communicate with her

This was what I wanted…

Confusion rushed in

My mind began to spin thoughts like leaves in the gusty autumn

She was the most beautiful word I’d ever heard

She

And then I knew

I love you ok

That’s all I needed to say

You’re my field and my firework

You’re the most beautiful logos

The one that didn’t get away

You’re the one that stayed

SHE

10/10/13

He brought me the sunrise in a cup one morning

To Be Honest

To be honest

I have good days and I have bad days

Some days I feel like everything is glued together, held tightly

Other days I feel like everything is falling

Falling apart, falling up, falling down

Falling away

To be honest

I’ve yet to figure out how to organize my thoughts

How to pick myself up

How to not need anyone, anywhere

I’ve yet to master the art of self soothing

I leave myself out to dry

To be honest

I don’t think I’m worth much

Less than pennies and dimes

And I hate them

I throw my change on my dresser, in the bowl by the door

Left to forget but I can’t

They linger and they’re there and I know I’m still sad

To be honest

There’s probably a diagnosis for this problem

Probably something I can take for my disillusioned eyes—mind

It’s a constant attack on what I always thought

What I think

What I know

What I want…

What am I worth?

To be honest

I know there are so many people rooting for my success

I know they hold me in their thoughts and sometimes their arms

A falling away… a continuous falling—but from what?

From what am I falling? It’s never an escape

And how I burden the one I love

The one I love…

She’s tied to the change scattered about my life

To the pennies and dimes… nickels—quarters

She worries that I’ll never be able to find all the change

That I’ll need to chalk it up to loss

She tries to budget the copper and silver gleam

But she can’t because she’ll never understand

To be honest

If I’m truly honest

I’ll consult my senses and rake them through the coals

Melt them down to run over grounds

Honestly

Some more poetry from the other day :D

To you: The Future Love of My Life

Before I ever knew you, I thought of you

I thought about what you might be like

What you might look like

I thought that maybe your eyes would be brown

And your hair, brown

I thought about how I hoped you’d look like your mother

Because she’s so beautiful and I thought if you’d be a mirror of her—

God! You’re beautiful and I already love you

I thought maybe you’d like dancing

Maybe you’d like to read, and sing…

Just maybe

But whatever will take up your time

However you shine

We’ll be watching and we’ll be so proud

We haven’t met you yet… all the things aren’t in place

And we’re not ready

But when you come

No one will ever be loved more than you

By everyone

Before we even knew you, we thought of you

---- 

 A Poem For Her, Maybe?

We're going to be okay, even if we're not

Because at one time or another

We had each other in the grips of the other.

We held each other through the struggle, in rivers of tears

We grew like flowers and trees – they were watered by our struggles

No one could pick us

Not from the ground and not apart from one another

We were stronger because of the pain

And the deeper our roots went the more we knew

The more we knew about one another

The more we knew about ourselves

The more we knew about everything around us

Even when distance had us separate

We held each other together

I stabilized you in the words of my lips (or at least I hoped I did)

And my thoughts stabilized me when I thought about you

Sometimes you were naked

Naked like actually naked

And sometimes naked like raw… naked like vulnerable

I knew you hated it

You wanted to cover up because you didn’t want what they have

You didn’t want to get hurt

You didn’t want to be a product of this awful epidemic

This trap that our society has set

“You are mine and I am yours and now we sit”

—

“We are travelers on a road

We are pilgrims on a journey”

That’s all I ever wanted to say to you

This is what gives life

I will follow you into the dark and out into the light

I want to stand next to your and watch you succeed

Watch the things you’ll do

And the only person I want next to me is you

In the days that bring hurt

And in the days the bring joy

We are pilgrims on a journey

And I pray that the journey is long and we learn—Top of Form

Bottom of Form

A few poems to start

Spoons

I could hold my pain in a giant vat of rain

I couldn't hold my damage on an upside down spoon

I ruminate in my sorrow

Looking into the spoon, I’m both upside down and right side up

Shouldn't I get out a little more

“Shouldn't you give up the bullshit and get over yourself?”

I don't know, I'm not sure why I can’t feel my feelings

My mind searches deep within my heart, body

I can’t find the source of my yuck

“You are capable of outgrowing that bullshit”

No, sometimes I don’t want to eat

There are times all I want to do is cry

Lay in bed

BUT this world is beautiful

When I think of you I realize that my source of apprehension is you

Because I am so determined to live, to love

All I can think to say to you….

“This world is so confusing”

That doesn’t help

“But you’re going to be fine”

That does.

Voices

Your voice melts the mountains of ice in my heart, my soul

The remnants pour out of my eyes and skin when I hear your name

“There’s no place like home” that’s what that girl from Kansas said

Your middle name.

Home. Where I feel you most

Home. Where I can cuddle close to you even when you're far away

Sweatshirts, threads of once upon a time

Missing you brought me closer to God

That’s all I had left

All I had left to say… “I need you, help me”

Bring her safely through each night and day

Bring her safely back to your rocky shores, to your vibrant sun

Reflection, I See It

Youth, the most unfaithful mistress The one that got away Somewhere when my mind left Sometime after my father’s death… Something is different about our love I can’t tell you, but it’s enough Your visits, the kids, the talks My confusion, the look in my eyes I know it weighs on you But stand by me, don’t let go When the dust clears, on the rough days I always smile to see you

The following poems are about realizing where I feel most at home. CPE propelled me out of my comfort zone, which was invaluable. I could not have known that I needed that boost because I was so comfortable doing what I knew, and through that push I began realize what sustains me in hard times.

Home

The Kingdom of God is like a bar on a Monday night

Stools and chairs and glasses and beer

When I leave each night I look up and on each star

I thank God for the journey so far

I've taken chances and opened my heart

Risking loss and hurt and tears

But in these things I've found love

More support than I've ever known

This place is home because it's where my love is kept

We all came a little broken hearted

But in these times we found our faith

Rethinking what we once held true

I know you hold me in hope and faith

Grasping on to what once was lost

I couldn't help but fall in love

O, the grief of losing that

Home

I'm sitting in her pews

Hearing the echoes of words that need to be heard

This is my sanctuary, quiet and loud

But just outside her doors there's suffering

Almost every day it rains

The eyes of the mother broken and buried

The brow sweats on the one who doesn't belong

The hands of the old woman are cracked and bleeding

The ones who don't mean anything to anyone…

But here in her walls though chaotic at times

All are welcome friend and stranger

At the table of the one who saved us

This is home because of the richness and continual blessings

The love I couldn't do without

A growth I never knew I needed

But here I stand better because of Hope

O, together we conquer our sorrows and woe

This poem was born out of a Bible study that I did at Phoebe Berks on Exodus 3:7-12. I did not prepare for this study because I have done numerous exegeses on this text. I wrote an extensive narrative exegesis on the second chapter of Exodus, which led to a great deal of work in the third chapter as well. Looking at this text (cold) allowed me to see different things and the Bible study really wound up being a sermon from me to the people gathered. This was appreciated by the residents because many are confused and do not verbally participate in Bible study. The first poem is a “retelling” of sorts and the second is my personal theological reflection.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

The people are enslaved

Pain and sorrow and loss

God heard them

But where is the bliss they’re promised

A place where milk and honey flow like the river Jordan

Their cry rang through the heavens

“The oppression is too great, the suffering too close”

But this is the greatest love story ever told

The leader cried, “Who am I?”

It seemed there was no response

“Who am I?”

God heard the cry of the people and said,

“I will be with you”

I think what I learned from this is that God calls us to say, “I will be with you” to our neighbors because sometimes all we can do is be there… nothing more but surely nothing less. It’s important and these human relationships that we all have are real.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

Throughout this journey, I rebel

“I can do this on my own’

I throw my sorrows over my shoulder

“I don’t need a savior”

But God comes to me

Off the cross, off the street

God comes down to aid me in my need

My reply, “I don’t need a savior”

God comes again to me in my need

In my suffering, God shows up

I barely care

“Where were you before,” I say

But there is something about this love

It doesn’t care what I’ve done

It isn’t contingent on my response

It’s free and it’s there and it’s always

This is the greatest love story ever told…

This is the God who came before time

In the chaos of everything

And now God calms the storms raging in me.

-LB