To Be Honest

To be honest

I have good days and I have bad days

Some days I feel like everything is glued together, held tightly

Other days I feel like everything is falling

Falling apart, falling up, falling down

Falling away

To be honest

I’ve yet to figure out how to organize my thoughts

How to pick myself up

How to not need anyone, anywhere

I’ve yet to master the art of self soothing

I leave myself out to dry

To be honest

I don’t think I’m worth much

Less than pennies and dimes

And I hate them

I throw my change on my dresser, in the bowl by the door

Left to forget but I can’t

They linger and they’re there and I know I’m still sad

To be honest

There’s probably a diagnosis for this problem

Probably something I can take for my disillusioned eyes—mind

It’s a constant attack on what I always thought

What I think

What I know

What I want…

What am I worth?

To be honest

I know there are so many people rooting for my success

I know they hold me in their thoughts and sometimes their arms

A falling away… a continuous falling—but from what?

From what am I falling? It’s never an escape

And how I burden the one I love

The one I love…

She’s tied to the change scattered about my life

To the pennies and dimes… nickels—quarters

She worries that I’ll never be able to find all the change

That I’ll need to chalk it up to loss

She tries to budget the copper and silver gleam

But she can’t because she’ll never understand

To be honest

If I’m truly honest

I’ll consult my senses and rake them through the coals

Melt them down to run over grounds

Honestly